“Don’t Call Me Junior” A Message from Indiana Jones

It is the client, not the therapist, who knows where the client wants to go.

Various circumstances often put the therapist into the inappropriate role of leader. In truth, to be useful, therapy must be “co-directed” by both the therapist and the client.

I like to use the analogy of explorer and guide to describe how I think the counseling relationship should be shaped. Perhaps you’ve seen movies where a “famous jungle explorer” hires a guide to reach a particular destination. Usually, the explorer is an expert in his or her field who has already determined the destination and hires the guide to help get there. The explorer, for example, may wish to find a “Lost City of Gold.”

Before even hiring the guide, the explorer has many ideas about where the Lost City is, what it is worth to the explorer (and the world), what it looks like, and even how best to find it. Still, the explorer needs a guide.

The guide’s job is to explain to the explorer the terrain they will be traveling. The guide also shares any knowledge and opinions that the explorer asks for. The guide also will feel somewhat obligated to offer knowledge and opinions about safe travel, expedient routes, and survival strategies along the way. Each member of the team becomes responsible for protecting self and teammate. However, the explorer has ultimate decision-making power, because the explorer has determined the goal, and will be the one to benefit most from attaining the goal.

In therapy, it is much the same way. Before hiring a therapist, the client has lived a life of intentional or accidental research on the topic of “What is my life goal.” That is the client’s Lost City of Gold. The client has developed some vision of a life goal, is the foremost expert on that life goal, and has many ideas on how best to realize that goal.

Like the guide, the therapist’s job is to share knowledge of the emotional terrain the client is traveling, the therapist is willing to teach skills and offer opinions when appropriate. He or she often feels compelled to make the client aware of safe and useful ways of working toward goal realization.

The counselor is working to forward the client’s purpose, but that does not mean that the therapist’s needs as a human and professional guide can be discarded. The survival and safety of the therapist, emotional and otherwise, is just as important as that of the client. However, it is the client’s life aspirations that both are working toward, and the client has ultimate decision-making power over his or her own life, because the client is the one who must live with the results.

It would be silly not to hire a guide on a particularly challenging journey. But a therapist is not like the travel guides who work for tourists—with the destinations and gift shops all mapped out ahead of time. Neither the therapist nor the client know for sure what they will find, but they agree to share the client’s quest.

Bullying is a Public Secret (With a Secret Solution)

Even though peers are present in 88% of bullying scenarios, according to a 2001 study headed by D. Lynn Hawkins of York University, much bullying goes unreported and bullying still goes on. Why?

Even though there are many peers who might be able to help stop a bullying incident—and even though the Hawkins study found that, over half of the time, peers are able to stop a bullying episode within 10 seconds—peers often to not try to intervene. In fact, the work of Cristina Salmivalli and her colleagues has determined that many children assist, cheer on, or ignore the bullying. This is what makes bullying a public secret.

The tragedy of bullying being a public secret is that the victim feels alone and isolated, while at the same time experiencing a very public humiliation. In fact, the victim can easily get the idea that the entire school, community, or world is participating in their victimization.

This understandable belief by victims of bullying, that an entire community is against them, leads to a sense of powerlessness, hatred (of self or others), and isolation. That is why it is often useless to tell the victim, “Just fight back,” or “Man-up.” A logical response from the victim’s perspective would be “No one is manly enough to fight back against everyone!”

However, Salmivalli and others have found that about 16-28% of children will intervene in bullying in one way or another. What does this mean? That the picture is far from hopeless. So as understandable as a victim’s feelings of hopelessness are, they don’t exactly match reality.

But how will a victim know that there is help out there among his or her peers if he or she has never been helped? That’s where its up to us (“us” meaning me and anyone else who reads this blog posting). Our job is to educate victims that help is out there by simply telling them until they believe it. We also need to show them that help is out there by intervening until the problem is solved.

In addition, we need to take make full use of those 16-28% of kids who can become allies to our so-called victims. Finally, remember those kids who ignore bullying, who jump in and help the bully, or who reinforce the bullying by cheering it on? We need to identify those children and convert them into allies of the victims. Then the victims will no longer be victims, and the bullies will no longer be bullies.  School, work, and other social places will become a place to work together.

7 Signs That You Need a Day Off

It seems logical that most people would look forward to days off from work. But as we examine people, we find that many of us avoid taking time off. After a while, time off becomes not just a desire, but a need. Ask yourself if the following circumstances apply to you.

Someone has told you that you need time off.
Believe it or not, sometimes other people can tell when we are dragging, sick, losing our effectiveness, or otherwise better off with a rest than another day of work. Having someone else tell you so may signal not only that you need a rest, but that they also need you to have a rest.

You are sick.
Many of us would rather “work through” an illness than sit at home and rest it off. While in the short term this may seem to work, it is more likely that we are blinded to the reality that working will prolong the illness, risk spreading it to others, and—if “working through” an illness has become a habit—can lead to long-term health problems. Meanwhile, resting during illness allows our immune system to do its thing. It also is the beginning of taking charge of our own health. Think of the future medical bills saved.

You feel guilty about not spending more time with your family.
While I do not recommend guilt as a motivator for action, I do believe that the phrase “feel guilty about not” in the above subtitle can be easily replaced with phrases like “desire to.” For example, you “desire to” spend more time with your family. You “miss” spending more time with your family. Your family’s stability may require a little more of a time investment.

You are sick of your job.
Taking a day or so off allows you to examine why you are sick of your job. Maybe it’s the wrong job for you. Maybe you are just tired, exhausted, depleted, and angry because all work and no play makes all of us that way.

You have not had a day off in a long time.
Even the military provides a minimum number of days’ leave per year. In my experience, the military makes no decision or provision unless it somehow supports mission readiness. I believe we all have a mission in life, so get ready for it by getting away for a while.

You believe that the job or company…or you…will not survive your day or week or month off.
Fiddlesticks. You probably need a day off just to disprove this thought. Yes, even if you own the company.

You believe that everyone would be better off without you.
I have been surprised by people who were having thoughts of suicide, but who were not willing to take a day or more off from work for residential treatment that would save their lives. The world is better with you here. Things can get better, but if you are in danger of hurting yourself, you may never see what blessings the future holds unless you make sure you are there by getting some care.

(Bonus) You feel like a day off.
There are many more signs that you might need a day off. You’d probably better head out to the beach and make up your own. Happy Holiday!

Childhood Problems, Family Solutions

Usually when I work with children in therapy, I like to use a similar approach to that which works with adults. I have found that if I listen with sincere respect, people feel valid and not judged. They start to realize that some of the solutions that they have hidden back in the dark corners of their minds are actually worth trying. And those people also realize that they themselves are worth the effort. They then feel empowered to create new lives for themselves.



With children, it’s the same with an important difference. Children can solve problems, but don’t have the same kind of power as adults do.


After a certain age, perhaps when children become verbal, they are capable of inventing solutions to problems, knowing their own needs to some degree, and coming up with ways to get their own needs met. If listened to and validated, they feel free to experiment with their ideas and solutions, and begin a lives of initiative-taking. But sometimes they are powerless to try certain solutions.


I admit that, in many households, children seem to exercise a lot of power through misbehavior and manipulation. No amount of childhood coercion strategies, though, can give them the power to sign legal and medical documents, drive a vehicle, purchase food, establish living quarters, lift heavy objects (I’m talking young children), and do various other things that only adults are permitted or physically capable of doing in our world.


In addition, no power play on the part of the child can get them loving attention, play dates, fond family memories, and the myriad positive social experiences that they need. Children also lack the life experience to make certain kinds of decisions for themselves. Many needs that kids have can only be met with the cooperation of the adults around them.


That is why no amount of empowerment from a counselor will easily help a child change his behavior and cope emotionally. Changes in a child’s behavior and emotions need the positive involvement of his or her caregivers.


Take, for example, the “aggressive” child. Believe it or not, aggression is often a solution as much as it is a problem. Aggression gets us attention. It gets us interaction. It gets us heightened emotional experiences. It is a form of play. It is a release for anger. It can protect us. Aggression is a natural behavior that all kids dabble with early in their lives. So, if certain needs are not being met (like attention, interaction, heightened experiences, play, anger release, protection), aggression is likely. On top of that, if other methods of trying to get those needs met (like asking) are not taught to a child, aggression is likely.


Therefore, in aggression and other childhood issues, changes in parents’ attitudes, behaviors, and strategies will make it more likely that a change in the child will occur. This means that child issues can be seen not only as a problem, but as an opportunity. These issues can be the catalyst for changes throughout the family that will make life richer for all. I have a few suggestions that only begin to illustrate what the possibilities are for adults with children who have problems.


TAKE A MORE DIRECT APPROACH. Children need direct guidance and instruction. The only way a child is going to learn the right way to get his or her needs met is if someone tells him or her. Children also need consequences. Positive and negative consequences are a language unto themselves. Children sometimes commit certain actions to see what their parents think about those acts. The verbal communication that an action is OK or not OK, plus the nonverbal communication of offering a predictable consequence, provides the child with the information he or she is seeking.


TAKE A SOFTER APPROACH. Punishment associates undesired behaviors with negative consequences—therefore increasing a child’s avoidance of those undesired behaviors in the future. But as B.F. Skinner (the champion of punishment/reward strategies) warned, punishment also increases a child’s avoidance of the punisher (the teacher, the parent, etc.). Balance out negative consequences with positive ones. Praise, treats, smiley-face charts, whatever. A well-planned system of positive feedback for desired behaviors not only can increase the occurrence of those behaviors, but can also improve the relationship between parent and child.


TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you see some of your less desirable behaviors manifesting themselves in your child. Get some help changing your own behaviors. If you notice that your stress is manifesting itself in your child’s acting out, get some help to relieve your own stress. If you notice that your child’s acting out is causing you stress, seek respite. Take a break. Get a massage. Get a babysitter. Do the beach thing. Take time away from your kids. And take some relaxation time with your kids too. They need to see what you look like with a smile on your face.


TAKE A MORE INVOLVED APPROACH. We cannot teach children how to get their needs met, unless we know what their needs are. We can learn more about their needs by asking them, or analyzing their situations. So, ask, listen and observe.


When we teach kids the best ways to get their needs met, we also need to teach them that those methods actually work. Often this means meeting their needs when they ask us to. For example the question “Daddy, can you play with me?” needs to be answered in the affirmative as often as is reasonable. Children need to see relationships as largely rewarding, so our involvement as parents cannot begin only when there are problems to solve. We need to have fun with our kids while they’re still kids.


TAKE YOUR TIME. Childhood problems, undesired behaviors, and emotional discomfort don’t improve quickly most of the time. Glory in incremental improvement. Realize that you are there for the long haul. Don’t kick yourself, or your spouse, or your children for setbacks—they’re inevitable. Don’t take or give blame. Just recognize mistakes as feedback and put your eyes back on the prize.


No mental health column can provide all of the answers. Your creativity and dedication will produce the most appropriate ideas for your situation. If you feel you are out of ideas, talk to a trusted friend, a mentor, a counselor, or your children. You never know where the source of positive change will come from.

Bullying: Is It the Victim’s Fault?

Sometimes we will notice that a particular child (or adult for that matter) is bullied in various environments during many parts of their life. Doesn’t this mean that this child is doing something to provoke the bullying?


Scientists, parents, and the rest of us often notice commonalities among children who are bullied. This is understandable when the motivation is to try to teach children how to be less vulnerable to bullying, how to stand up for themselves when bullied, and how to send a socially acceptable signals to others. Researchers have even discovered that certain behaviors in children are often met with bullying and harassment from others.


From this kind of information, we will ultimately glean ways that victims can empower themselves. This is good. But we’re forgetting someone here.


If we forget the child who bullies, we risk not solving the problem. First of all, the child who bullies needs help. Second, the child who bullies is misbehaving. Third, the misbehavior is often group sanctioned.


On the first point, empowering victims while punishing bullies is still a somewhat popular way to intervene in schools. While some children who bully enjoy hurting others, many are children who have been hurt themselves, and their bullying is a sign that they need care. They need behavioral change and emotional nurturing. Training the victim to be less victimizable does nothing to satisfy the deeper needs of the "bully."  Even if one victim no longer succumbs, the bullying child will just find another.


In addition, when one child bullies another, blaming the victim—even partially—represents a loss of contact with reality. Don’t get me wrong, people can be provocative. Some children’s behavior makes it easy for others to respond in unhealthy, aggressive ways. But the child who is bullied has absolutely no control over the actions of the child who does the bullying. The perpetrator is absolutely the only person in a position to choose not to perpetrate. Suggesting responsibility in the victim for the aggressor's actions disempowers the aggressor to make change and constitutes an additional assault on the victim.


Finally, bullying is a group process. There is much evidence to suggest that bullying is a socially condoned activity. Peers are present in a vast majority of bullying situations. They often fail to intervene and quite often encourage the bullying. Teachers around the nation admit, when asked anonymously, to bullying certain children in their classes. Many children grow up in homes filled with tension and violence. Considering these influences, the absence and not the presence of bullying in schools would be surprising.


In order to create safety in schools, we will have to make it the business of schools to teach positive social behaviors as an academic subject. These citizenry skills need to have equal place in the curriculum with the traditional paper-and-pencil subjects we teach our kids. Furthermore, we must recognize that families, teachers, and administrators need a lot more support than they receive from the broader society just to make it through the week, let alone to rear healthy children.


Blaming the victim, even the bully, has not really made a difference. Taking ownership of the problem as a nation will.

The Superhuman Fantasy

The fear that one will be discovered for the unworthy, incapable soul that one truly is has been identified in people often enough that it has been given a name: Fraud Syndrome. It is also called Impostor Syndrome. Like many social ills, I believe it stems from what I call the Superhuman Ideal.

After decades of watching polished personas on TV and in the movies, after centuries of reading fiercely edited texts of writers trying to make specific points, after millennia of watching specialists doing their jobs very well, we humans have developed the delusion that some people are perfect, or at least that their work is perfect. Unless we notice a flaw in the work of others, we tend to believe there isn’t one. Unless we see the mess backstage, we tend to believe that the show went off without a hitch from conception to closing night.

The belief that the good works or admirable personalities we perceive in others are more than just good—that they are perfect—creates in us a ridiculous standard. Our standards become perfectionistic. We create Superhuman criteria for humans because we believe we have seen proof. Some examples of the “evidence” for perfect humanity are:

George Washington was honest to the core.
Abraham Lincoln was honest to the core.
Ghandi was consistently peaceful.
The Beatles could not make bad music.
The World War II generation had ideal ideals.
Warren Buffett makes no business errors.
Rush is right.

When we observe the accomplishments of others, we tend to believe that they are more capable than us, that their accomplishments come easy for them, and that they have never created an abysmal mess for themselves at any point in their lives. But when we look at ourselves, we see the mess backstage. Seeing the flaws in ourselves, we feel anxious about the admiration we receive from others. Dialogues like this occur:

Other: “Oh, you were fabulous in the church choir.”
Self: “No, I messed up a couple of times.”

Other: “Your daughter is so well behaved.”
Self: “That’s what you think.”

Other: “Your house is beautiful.”
Self: “Oh my gosh no. It’s a mess.”

Even if we do not say these things aloud, we may be thinking them inside. The idea is that no matter what we have accomplished, we believe that if people got a look backstage at our lives or our personalities, they would see we’ve been faking it. We fail to accept ourselves as accomplished. We have set a Superhuman standard for ourselves.

This self-imposed standard not only causes us to hurt ourselves, but we soon find ourselves imposing it on others. So, if we like another person’s work, we see it as perfect; but when we see a few flaws in another person’s work, we may become very critical. Good enough is never good enough.

It is difficult to get past this illusion because society supports this incredible standard by highlighting the lives of child prodigies and accentuating the successes of our beloved heroes.

To dismantle this absurd standard, it is necessary to create a human standard that concedes incredible weakness, mountains of mistakes, intermittent immorality, and major messes in all humans. Then we need to adore accomplishments, celebrate baby steps, and honor late bloomings where we see them.

Of course, this shift to viewing ourselves and others as perfectly imperfect may be difficult or even impossible—but hey, we can fudge it. No one will notice.

Tender Loving Care: Rinse and Repeat

I often teach people mental health exercises to help them accomplish certain goals, like anxiety relief and better focus. I personally use some of the exercises that I teach. But I have learned that many people will cease to practice these exercises when they feel better. That’s when I think about the bathtub.

Many of us treat mental health problems like we, regrettably, treat weight problems. We do what’s necessary to get rid of the obvious problems and then we return to our previous life patterns.

Eventually, though, old problems rise again or life throws a new curve. Sometimes this will bring us back to our mental health “workouts.” But quite often we’ll get stuck first in a quagmire of self-doubt and recrimination, saying things to ourselves like, “What’s wrong with me? I thought I was all better. I fixed this aspect of myself. I cleared that demon!”

Truth is, the exercises are not only for "unhealthy" people. Just like physical exercises, mental and emotional health exercises are for everybody. Mental and emotional health don’t just arise out of nowhere. They have to be cultivated, nurtured, and maintained. I don’t care how together other people look to you, they need the exercises just as much as you do.

Equating emotional health to physical health, however, doesn’t always help make the necessity of regular nurturance clear to most people because it’s easy for many of us to view a life without continual physical exercise as normal.

But it’s a lot harder for us to imagine a life without regular bathing. So I suggest thinking of mental and physical health practices as we think about taking care of our bodily hygiene. Think of how your body feels every time you finish a shower. Think of the smell of soap in the air. Think of the way your skin feels when the sweat, dead skin, and day-old oil is rinsed away. Fresh. Then think of the way it must feel after days of not bathing—the stickiness, the stinkiness, the rashes (not that any of us would know this from experience).

Most people would not go without cleansing the exterior of their persons for more than a day or so, but we tend to think that our minds are self-maintaining machines. Our minds are a lot more like our bodies than we tend to think. They do not necessarily have the ability to take care of themselves.

Much like parents exist to take care of babies, and automobile technicians exist to take care of cars, there is a deeper, more mysterious part of us that exists to take care of our minds and hearts—daily.