The Want Vs. Need Myth

Doing what we need is good for us. Doing what we want is bad. That’s what we often tell ourselves. I think this hinders our success.

The word “want” in our society is loaded with all kinds of sinister, and unnecessary, connotations. We are told to tame our “desires.” We tell our kids not to say “I want, I want, I want.” Even the Rolling Stones (a rock group, mind you) tried to convince us that we can’t always get what we want. So we teach ourselves to go only after what we can justify as a need, a necessity.

This blocks success because many of us tend to create too high a standard for calling something a necessity. We think that if something is not necessary to keep us alive, then it is really not a necessity. Therefore, we do without many things: freedom, respect, the career we dream of, the love partner we deserve, vacations, and even our optimal health.

So, to have a healthy life, we have to go after what we want. Does that mean that we can do whatever we feel like whenever we feel like it? Isn’t that the same as doing what we want? My answer is no.

The biggest distinction to make is not between desire and necessity, but between desire and impulse (that is, between “wanting” and “feeling like”). To help show the difference between the two, I'll talk about how we use our computers.

We often approach our computers to do something productive, say to write a job resume. Writing a resume is not necessarily going to keep us alive any longer, but it can help us move toward a better life—something we “want.” But when we actually get to the computer, we often bump into a truly sinister “feel like.” It’s that urge to do (just a little) surfing. So, we surf the Internet. And not just a little.

Looking at the clock hours later, we sometimes become filled with regret at passing up the opportunity to do something we really wanted to do to improve life.

Over time, passing up opportunities to better our lives can lead to depression, anxiety, or even rage. Then, vicious circle style, we revert back to our urges to mask the negative feelings. We surf the internet, we use drugs, we veg out, we cry, we whine, we overeat, we submit our will to something—often to someone. We basically act on impulse and with little direction—losing motivation and perhaps forgetting our life dreams in the process. And it all starts with putting what we feel like doing ahead of getting what we want to do. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

One way to give our desires a higher priority is by planning. Put your dreams down on paper under the heading “Goals.” Then place actions you want to carry out to accomplish your dreams under the title “Strategies.” Suddenly, your desires have clout and credibility. Now, place your new “Life Plan” in prominent places where diversions seem to rise up.

To fulfill our deepest desires we need to set aside our moment-to-moment urges.