Childhood Problems, Family Solutions

Usually when I work with children in therapy, I like to use a similar approach to that which works with adults. I have found that if I listen with sincere respect, people feel valid and not judged. They start to realize that some of the solutions that they have hidden back in the dark corners of their minds are actually worth trying. And those people also realize that they themselves are worth the effort. They then feel empowered to create new lives for themselves.



With children, it’s the same with an important difference. Children can solve problems, but don’t have the same kind of power as adults do.


After a certain age, perhaps when children become verbal, they are capable of inventing solutions to problems, knowing their own needs to some degree, and coming up with ways to get their own needs met. If listened to and validated, they feel free to experiment with their ideas and solutions, and begin a lives of initiative-taking. But sometimes they are powerless to try certain solutions.


I admit that, in many households, children seem to exercise a lot of power through misbehavior and manipulation. No amount of childhood coercion strategies, though, can give them the power to sign legal and medical documents, drive a vehicle, purchase food, establish living quarters, lift heavy objects (I’m talking young children), and do various other things that only adults are permitted or physically capable of doing in our world.


In addition, no power play on the part of the child can get them loving attention, play dates, fond family memories, and the myriad positive social experiences that they need. Children also lack the life experience to make certain kinds of decisions for themselves. Many needs that kids have can only be met with the cooperation of the adults around them.


That is why no amount of empowerment from a counselor will easily help a child change his behavior and cope emotionally. Changes in a child’s behavior and emotions need the positive involvement of his or her caregivers.


Take, for example, the “aggressive” child. Believe it or not, aggression is often a solution as much as it is a problem. Aggression gets us attention. It gets us interaction. It gets us heightened emotional experiences. It is a form of play. It is a release for anger. It can protect us. Aggression is a natural behavior that all kids dabble with early in their lives. So, if certain needs are not being met (like attention, interaction, heightened experiences, play, anger release, protection), aggression is likely. On top of that, if other methods of trying to get those needs met (like asking) are not taught to a child, aggression is likely.


Therefore, in aggression and other childhood issues, changes in parents’ attitudes, behaviors, and strategies will make it more likely that a change in the child will occur. This means that child issues can be seen not only as a problem, but as an opportunity. These issues can be the catalyst for changes throughout the family that will make life richer for all. I have a few suggestions that only begin to illustrate what the possibilities are for adults with children who have problems.


TAKE A MORE DIRECT APPROACH. Children need direct guidance and instruction. The only way a child is going to learn the right way to get his or her needs met is if someone tells him or her. Children also need consequences. Positive and negative consequences are a language unto themselves. Children sometimes commit certain actions to see what their parents think about those acts. The verbal communication that an action is OK or not OK, plus the nonverbal communication of offering a predictable consequence, provides the child with the information he or she is seeking.


TAKE A SOFTER APPROACH. Punishment associates undesired behaviors with negative consequences—therefore increasing a child’s avoidance of those undesired behaviors in the future. But as B.F. Skinner (the champion of punishment/reward strategies) warned, punishment also increases a child’s avoidance of the punisher (the teacher, the parent, etc.). Balance out negative consequences with positive ones. Praise, treats, smiley-face charts, whatever. A well-planned system of positive feedback for desired behaviors not only can increase the occurrence of those behaviors, but can also improve the relationship between parent and child.


TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you see some of your less desirable behaviors manifesting themselves in your child. Get some help changing your own behaviors. If you notice that your stress is manifesting itself in your child’s acting out, get some help to relieve your own stress. If you notice that your child’s acting out is causing you stress, seek respite. Take a break. Get a massage. Get a babysitter. Do the beach thing. Take time away from your kids. And take some relaxation time with your kids too. They need to see what you look like with a smile on your face.


TAKE A MORE INVOLVED APPROACH. We cannot teach children how to get their needs met, unless we know what their needs are. We can learn more about their needs by asking them, or analyzing their situations. So, ask, listen and observe.


When we teach kids the best ways to get their needs met, we also need to teach them that those methods actually work. Often this means meeting their needs when they ask us to. For example the question “Daddy, can you play with me?” needs to be answered in the affirmative as often as is reasonable. Children need to see relationships as largely rewarding, so our involvement as parents cannot begin only when there are problems to solve. We need to have fun with our kids while they’re still kids.


TAKE YOUR TIME. Childhood problems, undesired behaviors, and emotional discomfort don’t improve quickly most of the time. Glory in incremental improvement. Realize that you are there for the long haul. Don’t kick yourself, or your spouse, or your children for setbacks—they’re inevitable. Don’t take or give blame. Just recognize mistakes as feedback and put your eyes back on the prize.


No mental health column can provide all of the answers. Your creativity and dedication will produce the most appropriate ideas for your situation. If you feel you are out of ideas, talk to a trusted friend, a mentor, a counselor, or your children. You never know where the source of positive change will come from.